My Crappy House Tour

October 3, 2013

Hey! It’s me! It’s you! It’s my first blog post ever! I’ve got a crappy house and no money!

OK, I’ll stop shouting. I’m just excited is all. Welcome to my brand new blog. I’m here on the interwebs to tell you all about my crappy house. As you’ll soon see, it needs a lot of work. This is my first time owning a home, but I’ll be doing as much of the work as I possibly can by myself, learning as I go. This should be fun.

I mean writing about it should be fun. The actual work? Doubt it.

Meet My Crappy House

This is the earliest photo I have of My Crappy House. It was the main photo on the real estate listing when I bought it in May of 2011. I guess this was the best they could do. A crappy photo of a crappy house…

A Video House Tour

I’ve been in My Crappy House for almost two and a half years, but since you’re new around here, I’ve got to catch you up. I thought I’d begin with a crappy house tour video so you can get the lay of the land. (Gosh, that sounds dirty.)

I’m going to advise anyone who gets motion sickness to maybe take a Bonine (my favorite motion sickness remedy) now and wait about an hour before watching this video.

See? I don’t even know you and I’m already looking out for you. And I even linked it there for you. I’m so accommodating! (Also, quite proud of myself for figuring out how to link stuff because I don’t know wtf I’m doing yet. First blog post ever, remember?)

I promise you any new videos I make will be a little less Blair Witch and a little more… something not jumpy. You can pick the metaphor.

And, just like that, we’re interactive!

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A Crappy House Tour in Pictures

Yikes. I hope you’re not feeling too queasy. I totally plan to get better at the video stuff. Oh, and gross, right? If you thought that was scary, be glad that YouTube doesn’t offer Smell-o-vision.

If you’re not into scary movies, that’s OK. I’ve got a bunch of still pictures to show you that won’t make you sick. Probably.

The Front

This is how My Crappy House looked from the outside when I actually moved in. My brother’s housewarming gift to me was a freshly mowed (machete’d?) lawn. There’s no way I could’ve tackled the thigh-high grass you saw in the video, so that gift was much appreciated.

There’s literally nothing else to see outside, so let’s go in.

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The Living Room

Just inside the front door is the living room. I knew immediately that I wanted to remove that blank wall to open up the space and expose the kitchen. (Oh, wait until you see the kitchen! It’s hideous. But, we’re not done here yet.)

The doorway on the left leads to the dining room and you can see a little bit of that nasty kitchen through the doorway on the right.

Moving to the right, the opening on the left leads to the aforementioned hideous kitchen and the one next to it is the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. (We’ll get back to that in a minute.) The door is a small coat closet and the giant mirrored wall from the 70s next to it is… well, it’s a giant mirrored wall from the 70s.

Continuing to the right is a better view of that bitchin’ mirrored wall and there’s the door leading back to the crappy front yard. But don’t leave yet! We’ve got more to see…

Panning further right, we see the front window. And a folding chair. That is all.

And now we’re back to the doorway to the dining room. Let’s go in, shall we?

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The Dining Room

Poorly installed paneling from the 70s combined with smelly indoor/outdoor carpeting makes for a very unappetizing room.

(Not that I want to cook anything in my hideous kitchen…)

(Not that I even know how to cook anything in my hideous kitchen…)

The door on the left goes to the garage. I’ll get back to that in a little bit.

If we spin around, we can see the doorway we came through. There’s the front door again, see? Please don’t leave though.

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The Kitchen

OK. First of all, wtf kind of layout is this? Who puts a doorway where the fridge should be? And a stove with barely any counter space? I’m no expert, but I think counter space is probably necessary for preparing anything more complicated than a bowl of cereal.

Not that I prepare much that’s more complicated than a bowl of cereal, but still. What if someone who knows how to cook wants to use my kitchen someday?

But, beyond the layout, there’s the grossness of it all. Can you smell these pictures? I can. This was not a kitchen a civilized person would ever use. And, since I’m mostly civilized, I gutted the whole thing. I tossed the fridge without ever opening it. Threw away the stove without ever turning it on. Ripped up the seven layers of linoleum on the floor without ever—

Well, you know what gutted means, I’m sure.

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The Hallway

Stepping through the kitchen doorway, we’re back out by the hallway. You wouldn’t think a hallway would get its very own blog section, but my hallway is super cool. I mean, it’s ugly, for sure, but it has so much potential with all of the quirky angles. Man, was it filthy though.

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The Bathroom

Down the hallway, first door on the left. That’s where you’ll find the bathroom. You wouldn’t want to use it looking like this, though. I know I wouldn’t.

In fact, I never did. I had the whole thing gutted and redone before I actually moved in. I can live indefinitely without a kitchen, but I definitely can’t live indefinitely without a bathroom. Definitely.

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The Master Bedroom

The next door on the left is the master bedroom. It doesn’t look bad from the pictures, but I gutted it anyway. When I ripped up the fake wood floor, I discovered a country of ants. Seriously. A country. Like, I’m pretty sure they had their own government. And a Taco Bell.

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The Office

Since I live alone, I’m using the second bedroom as my office. It’s only about ten feet square. There’s not much to see in this terrible before picture I took. Just a white room with a couple of windows.

And here’s a closet. Exciting.

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The Dressing Room

In a crappy house with super small closets, there’s really no choice but to make the third bedroom into a dressing room. So that’s what I did.

If you thought the pictures of my “office” were bad, wait until you see these. Here’s a picture of a corner. That’s it. An empty corner. You’d think I could’ve stepped back a smidge, but no…

The walls in this room were painted paneling. They came down easily enough and it was super groovy to see what was behind them.

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The Garage

Remember way back a couple of minutes ago, when we were in the dining room, and I told you I’d get back to the garage in a bit? Well, here’s the bit; an empty garage with carpeting. I know. I don’t get it either.

If we turn around, we’ll see the door to the dining room next to the stairs to the basement. (That’s what’s behind that half wall.)

Yes, the (super creepy) stairs to the basement are in the garage. Another ‘wtf’ feature of this house.

Of course, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I’ve been in My Crappy House for two years. The garage no longer has carpeting. It’s also not even close to being empty. And the stairs to the basement? Well, they’re not in the garage anymore…

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This Concludes My Crappy House Tour

Please place your seat back and tray table in their locked and upright positions, gather all of your personal belongings, and proceed to the nearest exit. You have now experienced My Crappy House in all its crappy glory.

This was a pretty long post, so thanks for sticking it out. I hope you’ll come back often to check on my progress and maybe even subscribe so I can let you know when I’ve written a new crappy post. I’m really excited for you to get to know me. You’re very lucky. I’m a fascinating person…

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