Snow Sucks. Rage with Me.

Let’s Kill it with a Chainsaw

Or with manicure scissors… I have a hate|hate relationship with snow. I mean, I hate snow… but I also hate snow. It’s a fine line between hate and hate. That’s where you’ll find snow. And, also, snow sucks.

Mini snowman stabbed with mini scissors

When I was a kid, snow meant getting to stay home from school, playing outside for seven minutes, then drinking hot chocolate. What’s not to like?

Kid with hot chocolate

Kids are so dumb.

Sure, snow looks pretty…

House with snowfall

But don’t be fooled. Snow has no soul. It is a wreaker of havoc and a stealer of joy. It has termites in its smile. In other words, it’s just pure evil.

Snow Sucks

When I moved into my crappy house in 2011, one of the first projects I did by myself was install a new mailbox. (Just a foreshadowing of my badassery to come…) I dug the hole, poured the concrete, set the post… So proud!

Mailbox intact then destroyed by snow

Then snow killed my mailbox.

OK, well the plows killed it, but snow was the mastermind. Snow is the crime boss and the plows are his henchmen.

(Yes, snow is a man. I know this because Mother Nature is too smart to deal with winter. She goes on vacation when it starts to get cold. She’s probably in Australia right now enjoying the summer and an Eternal Sunshine Cocktail.)

Orange cocktail decorated with flower, isolated on white background.

Snow has been a real dick over the years. (Sorry, mom. I can’t think of a better word. You did your best.) One year, there was a terrible snow storm that was so bad, people driving home from work had to abandon their cars on the highway.

(Tell me snow is not a jerk…)

This was pre-Schmoopy, so I had to clear this all by my freaking self.

Snowy driveway and street

Here’s snow being a jackass again the following year:

Snow storm front lawn and street

And again in 2016:

Snow covered lawn with car in driveway

Schmoopy moved in with me in 2018. Snow actually put him on the local news…

Sure, he achieved fame, but at what cost?

Snow storm car trying to get out of driveway

This was March 22nd. Spring. Seriously, snow. WTF is your problem? You have your own season, you jerk.

Feeling the Berm

This year, we’ve been pummeled by multiple storms, back to back.

Snow storm stair railing

Do you guys know what a snow berm is? That’s the giant wall the plows henchmen leave when they take all of the snow off of the road and put it in your driveway. During this process, the snow transforms itself into snowcrete; a substance that is no longer receptive to traditional snow removal methods.

This year, the henchmen really did us dirty. They didn’t plow near the curb, so they left a four foot deep snowcrete wall in front of our mailbox. We didn’t get mail for a week. (I guess our mailman doesn’t like climbing over walls of snow, or something.) Schmoopy tried to shovel it out, but… you know snowcrete. (Yes, you do. I just told you.) It was impossible to remove.

Or was it?

Man with a chainsaw in the snow

I suggested Schmoopy kill the snow with a chainsaw. Of course, we didn’t own a chainsaw, but he was pretty much out the door to go buy one while I was mid-sentence.

“Hey, what do you think about using a chainsaw on that sn—  K. Bye.” Kind of rude, but he was just excited to kill snow.

I totally get that.

He picked up this chainsaw at Home Depot and went to town making a bunch of cuts into the snowcrete until it started to yield.

Shut up, snow. You deserve this, and worse.

using a chainsaw on a snow berm

He also cut a nice little trench so our mailman could deliver our bills. Thank… goodness?

trench in the snow leading to mailbox

Snow: Zero Stars. Do Not Recommend.

It’s only February. Winter isn’t even over. As I write this, much of the United States is being terrorized by snow. Areas that never see snow are getting surprise visits from the evil one. I’m sorry, my fellow Americans. I wish I had more to offer you than my rage.

Snow sucks.

For this post, I wanted to build a snowman so that I could bury a shovel in its head, but the snow wouldn’t even cooperate.

“Let me build you a body so that I may kill you, SNOW!”

I had to settle for making this mini snowman, which ended up looking cute and made me a little bit sad when I stabbed it in the snow brain. Schmoopy named him MacGregor. Snow hath created a monster.

The monster is me.

Mini snowman with scissors in head

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  • Em

    Oh my gosh, Crappe’, this is hilarious! The snowman photo elicited audible laughter, and now your post is making the rounds in my house.

    I am the weirdo you noted. Even though I am on my second round of shoveling 400′ of sidewalk, I really like the snow this year. It keeps my daily visiting puppy very occupied and very unmuddy. When muddy season comes I am screwed. So it is free to keep snowing here in Buffalo, where my permission is never required. But I will happily hope it passes you by, not just for you and Schmoo, but for any as yet unmurdered MacGregor snow children.

    • My Crappy House

      Oooookaaaaaay, you can have your snow, as long as it skips Long Island. I don’t get it, but everyone is entitled to their weirdo opinion… Actually, I do get the muddy paw situation. Maybe, when spring finally comes, you can write a post about how muddy paws suck…

  • Melissa

    I so get it now. I live in Austin, Texas and not only did we get snow, our trees were ravaged with ice, then the power went out and the water disappeared. I am now a snow and winter rager. Stab/Saw and beat that poopy snow/ice crap. P.S. Obviously, our infrastructure sucks as well but that is a comment(s), I mean rage, that I will keep to myself cause it’s not very nice and I am doing my best to recover from the negativity. Excuse me while step over the massive pile of laundry and go boil some water to drink and oil up my lopers to work around the lovely tree trimmers.

    • My Crappy House

      Oh, my heart goes out to you, truly. Snow is bad enough, but in an area that’s not prepared for it, it must raise the suck factor by 100x. I’m so sorry stupid snow showed up at your door this year. If you’ve got enough to make a snowman, maybe do that and kill it. It might be cathartic. (Though, I’m not sure I recommend making the mini version. Stabbing his little snow head really did make me sad.) I hope this is the last you see of snow this year, and ALL of the years to come.

  • Joan

    LOL How are we not best friends?!? I HATE snow! I could tolerate it until Dec 2000 when we got hit every other day for three weeks with large amounts of snow. Life became unbearable. I lived in an apartment and if I didn’t get home on time, there was nowhere to park because of the piles of snow (along with TERRIBLE snow removal to begin with) taking up almost half of the pitiful amount of parking spots we had. From that point on, I’ve hated it! I don’t like that it makes it colder, it’s dangerous to drive on, it’s inconvenient, and it takes away any shades of color that we have without it. Sure, it might be brown, but at least there’s SHADES of brown, and, sometimes, shades of green since some grass seems to say green during the winter. Anyway, the snowman picture gave me SUCH a good laugh! I absolutely LOVE IT!

    • My Crappy House

      Oh, don’t even get me started on apartment life and snow. I lived in a building for eight years. My rage was doubled when I’d spend two hours clearing out my car in my parking spot only for some inconsiderate jackass to steal it when I had to go out for five minutes. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you. There’s no chance I could actually murder snow, but there was a real risk I might murder a fellow tenant. Just one of many reasons I bought my crappy house. Avoiding jail…

  • Barbara H.

    Loved MacGregor but best to stop him in his tracks before he multiplies. Thanks for the very descriptive reminder about why I left the Midwest, never to return except for spring, summer or fall visits. Hope Spring comes to stay soon but you are right – March can be very deceptive. The chainsaw was a brilliant idea, by the way.

    • My Crappy House

      True. MacGregor spawn is the last thing we need around here. One day, I will move south and escape the whole MacGregor clan. I was pretty proud of my chainsaw idea. I thought, if they can make ice sculptures with a chainsaw, why can’t we carve out the end of the driveway? Schmoopy tried to make a driveway swan, but it didn’t work. The snow was very uncooperative, which makes sense, since it’s such a freaking jerk.

  • Linda Vitale

    I love your mini snowman!!
    I sure do remember snowcrete from my days of living in New Hampshire and Minnesota. And that is why I’ve lived in Florida for the past 7 years!

    • My Crappy House

      We will definitely move south at some point. Maybe North Carolina… Florida is too hot for us. We’re like Goldilocks… We need juuuuust right

  • Andrea

    Okay, the chainsaw idea is GENIUS. (Schmoopy: I hope you thoroughly dried that chainsaw and oiled it so it doesn’t rust up before the next time you need to murder the heck out of some snowcrete.)

    • My Crappy House

      I thought so too! I should join DIY MENSA…

      Schmoopy’s very diligent with tool maintenance. He was bugged that the saw didn’t come with chain oil and he had to make a separate trip to go buy some.

  • Mom

    I too hate snow, sooo much. I dressed you in the snowsuit, boots, gloves, scarf, hat and hood. Seven minutes later back in boots full of snow (all over the floor) gloves somewhere outside buried in snow and the scarf keeping the gloves company. I dried you off changed your clothes made you hot chocolate and mopped up the floor. Then you wanted to go out again.
    I’ve always been afraid to drive in snow now I’m afraid to walk in it. All I can say is thank goodness for global warming…….I think we’ve been Gored.

    • My Crappy House

      I didn’t even touch on how much snow must suck from a parent’s point of view. (Mostly because I’m not a parent, and therefore I don’t care…) Kids are jerks in their own right, but add snow in the mix… I’m bored! I wanna go out! I’m cold! I wanna come in! I’m bored! I wanna go out! I’m cold! I wanna come in! I remember my childhood. I’m surprised we’re even friends now…

  • SMS

    Let the snow motivate you to save save save! We are early retirees who are enjoying the winters in our AZ home right now – because WE.HATE.SNOW. Once it’s gone, we’ll return to our midwest home. But not until then!! PS – it’s 75 & blue sky here today!

    • My Crappy House

      Oh, we’re DEFINITELY retiring someplace warm. I do like the seasons though, and I love the east coast, so probably North or South Carolina. Hopefully, My Crappy House continues to increase in value and it’ll help me retire. One day…

  • Katherine Davies

    Wow, a lot of us really hate snow. Except that one person above but at least she admits she’s a weirdo.

    These comments and your ripostes have really cheered me today – thank you!

    I hate snow so much that I moved from Massachusetts to Ireland 20 years ago. But it rains so much there that even this snow hater occasionally wished for some just to break up the tedium.

    Then we moved to southwest France and this is our 10th winter and NO SNOW?????. Though, to be absolutely sure I’ll never see snow again I’m trying to talk the hubster into moving to the south of Spain. Don’t think he’s biting this time.

    As for your Mom, I know exactly how she felt. I had 5 children under 9 and I dreaded winters. I’d just get them all suited and booted and when I got to the last one the first one would have to pee, the second one was suddenly hungry, and so on. I’d eventually force them all out the door and they’d last out there 15 minutes, tops.

    Snow is evil.

    • My Crappy House

      Wow! When you move to avoid snow, you REALLY move to avoid snow! What an adventurous life you must have. Schmoo and I had a trip to Ireland all planned and paid for, before the world fell apart. I can’t wait to go, when the madness ends…

      I don’t think I even enjoyed the snow as a kid. Not really. The no school and hot chocolate parts were great, but the playing in the snow… that part kinda sucked. I just don’t get the draw. I know I’d never have patience for kids and snow. Just another reason I have cats instead

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