Let’s Kill it with a Chainsaw
Or with manicure scissors… I have a hate|hate relationship with snow. I mean, I hate snow… but I also hate snow. It’s a fine line between hate and hate. That’s where you’ll find snow. And, also, snow sucks.
When I was a kid, snow meant getting to stay home from school, playing outside for seven minutes, then drinking hot chocolate. What’s not to like?
Kids are so dumb.
Sure, snow looks pretty…
But don’t be fooled. Snow has no soul. It is a wreaker of havoc and a stealer of joy. It has termites in its smile. In other words, it’s just pure evil.
When I moved into my crappy house in 2011, one of the first projects I did by myself was install a new mailbox. (Just a foreshadowing of my badassery to come…) I dug the hole, poured the concrete, set the post… So proud!
Then snow killed my mailbox.
OK, well the plows killed it, but snow was the mastermind. Snow is the crime boss and the plows are his henchmen.
(Yes, snow is a man. I know this because Mother Nature is too smart to deal with winter. She goes on vacation when it starts to get cold. She’s probably in Australia right now enjoying the summer and an Eternal Sunshine Cocktail.)
Snow has been a real dick over the years. (Sorry, mom. I can’t think of a better word. You did your best.) One year, there was a terrible snow storm that was so bad, people driving home from work had to abandon their cars on the highway.
(Tell me snow is not a jerk…)
This was pre-Schmoopy, so I had to clear this all by my freaking self.
Here’s snow being a jackass again the following year:
And again in 2016:
Schmoopy moved in with me in 2018. Snow actually put him on the local news…
Sure, he achieved fame, but at what cost?
This was March 22nd. Spring. Seriously, snow. WTF is your problem? You have your own season, you jerk.
Feeling the Berm
This year, we’ve been pummeled by multiple storms, back to back.
Do you guys know what a snow berm is? That’s the giant wall the
plows henchmen leave when they take all of the snow off of the road and put it in your driveway. During this process, the snow transforms itself into snowcrete; a substance that is no longer receptive to traditional snow removal methods.
This year, the henchmen really did us dirty. They didn’t plow near the curb, so they left a four foot deep snowcrete wall in front of our mailbox. We didn’t get mail for a week. (I guess our mailman doesn’t like climbing over walls of snow, or something.) Schmoopy tried to shovel it out, but… you know snowcrete. (Yes, you do. I just told you.) It was impossible to remove.
Or was it?
I suggested Schmoopy kill the snow with a chainsaw. Of course, we didn’t own a chainsaw, but he was pretty much out the door to go buy one while I was mid-sentence.
“Hey, what do you think about using a chainsaw on that sn— K. Bye.” Kind of rude, but he was just excited to kill snow.
I totally get that.
He picked up this chainsaw at Home Depot and went to town making a bunch of cuts into the snowcrete until it started to yield.
Shut up, snow. You deserve this, and worse.
He also cut a nice little trench so our mailman could deliver our bills. Thank… goodness?
Snow: Zero Stars. Do Not Recommend.
It’s only February. Winter isn’t even over. As I write this, much of the United States is being terrorized by snow. Areas that never see snow are getting surprise visits from the evil one. I’m sorry, my fellow Americans. I wish I had more to offer you than my rage.
For this post, I wanted to build a snowman so that I could bury a shovel in its head, but the snow wouldn’t even cooperate.
“Let me build you a body so that I may kill you, SNOW!”
I had to settle for making this mini snowman, which ended up looking cute and made me a little bit sad when I stabbed it in the snow brain. Schmoopy named him MacGregor. Snow hath created a monster.
The monster is me.
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