What Happens When You Don’t Respect Your Power Tools?
‘Twas a beautiful spring day in 2023. Having just adopted a dog (!), we were upgrading my crappy house to accommodate her. To spare our little Mona Lisa Vito (Yes, that’s her name. I know. Adorable.) from leaping out the back door house hole (as I, myself, had done for the previous twelve years), I finally built some crappy steps. And to keep her from running into traffic (as I, myself, had done… well, just that one time), I built her a fence.
Ah, wouldn’t that be something to brag about? Building a six foot perimeter fence by myself? As if. No, we hired a fence company for this job. Some tasks are just not worth dying for, you know?
Um… I meant DIY-ing for… You know, D-I-Y. That thing I used to blog about. It’s just by pure happenstance that this project landed me in the emergency room. No one’s dying over here.
(Or DIYing, if I’m being perfectly honest…)
Anyway, keep reading for some spectacular (-ly ordinary) before and after fence pictures and, also, to find out what happens when you don’t respect your power tools…
Please Fence Me In
Back in the early days of crappy home ownership, when phones were mostly for talking and not for taking filtered photos of our lives to make our friends envious on the not yet invented Instagram; when the word “app” referred to mozzarella sticks and this crappy blog did not exist, this was my yard:
My fence was a mess of rusty chain link and rotting wood pickets. A true eye sore. At some point, when this was someone else’s crappy house, the neighbors behind must have gotten sick of looking at it and put up a nice, white, vinyl fence of their own to block it out. My crappy yard got a little bit better after my dad helped me remove part of my junky chain link to expose that pretty section of neighbor fence.
Free upgrade!
Unfortunately, my other neighbors didn’t care so much. With each passing year, the rest of my fence became less of a functional privacy barrier and more of a decrepit line of trash separating our properties. I waited patiently (twelve freaking years!) for those cheap ass, lazy people to put up their own fences to block out my crap pile, but noOOOooo. I guess they just have no standards.
*sigh*
If not for Mona Lisa Vito, we’d probably still be waiting for our neighbors to just take some freaking pride in where they live already, but her arrival put an end to that. We needed a fence and there would be no more free upgrades.
Well, for us.
Fence Prep
Did you know fence companies expect you to clear the property line of all obstacles and vegetation before they come to install? Apparently, they’re not landscapers or something. I mean, neither am I, but whatever. I thought I’d have a week, but I only had a day because they had a sudden opening in their schedule and Schmoopy jumped on it because why not? He had to work and couldn’t help me, so that made sense.
Did it though?
I nearly killed dephalanged myself clearing all of this in one day:
I know, right? Ridiculous.
Of course, I could not have done it without my Black+Decker Alligator and my trusty traitorous electric hedge trimmer…
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find Out What It Means…
I have always respected my power tools. I am always very careful to keep my hands away and eyes protected from spinny blades and bits. Saws (of the table, miter, circular, and jig varieties), drills (hand, hammer, and press, et al.), routers, nail guns… uhr uhr uhr!
Hey, did you know that landscaping tools totally count as power tools? I’m embarrassed to admit that I never gave it much thought. Any dumbass can mow a lawn or trim a hedge, right? And they do it in flip flops. So, when it was up to me to clear the fence line of nature’s abundance, I was like, sure. No big deal.
I spent the day wielding my hedge trimmer like a lightsaber, slashing and slicing through menacing foliage like a Jedi. A really dumb, careless Jedi.
Here’s the thing. If a tool has a motor, it’s a power tool. If both of your hands are controlling that power tool, then the spinny bitey parts of said power tool can’t deprive you of either of them. I don’t know about you, but I don’t consider either of my hands to be redundant. I quite enjoy having two of them, complete with a set of ten permanently attached articulated phalanges.
My hedge trimmer requires you to hold a trigger in with your right hand to keep the tool running. Your left hand is supposed to grip a handle at the top of the tool to help you maneuver it. With both hands each having a designated function contributing to the task, they should, theoretically, stay out of trouble.
Theoretically…
So, What Did I Do?
Oh, I think you know what I did. Here’s how it happened: A freaking pointless thorn bush snagged my left hand (which had no glove on it, btw… the thorns hooked my tender, middle-aged flesh), and I let go of my still running hedge trimmer to unsnag myself. When I moved to put my hand back on the handle, the blades caught my ring finger and…
CHOP!
Uh oh.
Did that really just happen?? The horror! The blood! The fear! The tears! The Tears for Fears! I shouted for Schmoopy (who, lucky for me, was home from work by then) and he came running. Someone had to look at the damage and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me. He said it wasn’t bad, but he said it in such a way that made me think it was bad because the next words out of his mouth were “we have to go to the emergency room right now”.
I cried the whole way to the hospital while Schmoopy told me stupid jokes. It was his sweet attempt at trying to distract me, but it only made me cry harder.
Guys, they were really bad jokes.
This was my first trip to the emergency room ever, but I watch Grey’s Anatomy. I knew what to expect. A handsome, charming doctor was going to save my finger.
That didn’t happen.
OK, well, he did save my finger. He just wasn’t handsome.
Or charming.
TV is a lie.
How Bad Was It?
The blades cut through the top and bottom of my finger, right through my fingernail, and crushed the bone. I have no photos of the injury (you’re welcome), but I do have this to show you:
Eight hours later, I left the ER with nine fingernails, a bunch of stitches, and this very dramatic bandage…
The doctor at my follow up was able to dial that back considerably the following week…
And then I sent my hand to space…
Despite my best efforts, I caught horrifying glimpses of what I can only describe as a bloated zombie corpse finger dredged from the depths of a decrepit bog. I had never had a problem looking at wounds before, but none of them had ever been my wound on my body. Turns out, my sanity is delicately balanced on this distinction, so I did not look at my wrecked finger for the next six weeks. I learned to change my bandage blindfolded.
I’m not even kidding.
Eventually, my bandages got smaller and smaller. My owie became a meowie.
It took a year for my fingernail to grow back, but that average looking moderately grumpy ER doctor actually did a really good job. If I didn’t shield you from the injury photos, you would be extremely impressed.
(Seriously. I’m not kidding. It was horrifying.)
Are you feeling disappointed? Did you want to see disfingerment? OK, fine. Here you go. You sicko.
I’m Offenced!
So, trauma aside, how did my crappy fence turn out? Here’s a whole mess of pictures, in case you’re interested…
Soooo fency, right? Yes, it was exfencive, but it made quite a diffence, don’t you think? No to influfence you, but if you visit this post for referfence, I think you’ll agree our yard definitely looks less crappy. It only took twelve years, but in my defence, my neighbors are cheap ass, lazy people with very low standards.
I suppose I am, too. Whatever.
What Have We Learned?
OK, so I have a fence now, but, more importantly, I feel like this post was chock full of useful information. Here’s a run down:
- Neighbors don’t care
- Power tools are dangerous
- Don’t let go
- TV is a lie
- Fingernails grow back
In addition, when working with any power tool, you should always wear gloves and eye protection. I didn’t even discuss the importance of eyes with you, but they’re right up there with hands. Eyes and hands, guys. Never take these things for granted. I sure won’t ever again.
Well, that post took a while. 2024 is nearly over. We installed a deck, too. That’ll be the next post. Probably. Figure that should be released into the internet wild in, oh, let’s say about five months. Maybe eight. Who knows. I can’t be rushed. (Or even encouraged to move faster than my default setting of “glacial”.) If you subscribe below, I’ll be sure to let you know…
Hey, that rhymes! My work here is done.
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26 Comments
Melissa
Oh my, great to see you! Fence and finger look smashing ♥️
My Crappy House
Thank you! Smashing is my favorite
Katherine Davies
Where to begin? Lovely fence, terrible accident (though I DID NOT look at the linked photo), great dog.
YOU GOT A DOG?????!!!!!!!!!!
She’s utterly adorable and has a sweet name. Are you please going to tell us more about her in some distant post?
I grinned when I saw your email appear. You never fail to make me laugh. I’ve missed you. I’m happy to wait for your next installment, although I am getting older now and won’t be here forever. ????
Katherine Davies
Remember when I mentione I was old? Well, I completely forgot that you did a whole post about your lovely little dog this time last year. Sorry. She’s still adorable.
My Crappy House
Haha I’m in your boat. The good news is you can read things you’ve already read and appreciate them as if they’re new. I do this with books all the time!
I don’t blame you for not looking. Honestly, I truly didn’t look for six weeks. Not after the injury, not in the ER, not at the doctor. I had so much anxiety about caring for the wound that my doctor actually sent me for professional wound care by a physical therapist. They worked on my finger while I turned my head away. I have no photos of the injury before that six week mark. It healed so well in the end though that I didn’t want people to think I was faking, so I had to include a few progress pictures. They are gross.
Carol Claytor
Great post. you should write more often. Your very good at it. Oh yea, I’m glad you’re ok.
My Crappy House
Thank you! I agree! (About the writing more often.) (And also about the being very good at it…) I will try!
Debbie
I missed you SO MUCH! I am happy to hear you are alive with no permanent disfigurement. So glad you are still blogging but wish it was more frequent than once a year.
My Crappy House
Aww thank you! I wish it was more often too! I don’t know what my problem is. I need therapy.
Leeserrrrrrrrrrrr
I love the pic of Mona Lisa with one ear up, looking super triumphant in the yard with the new fence behind her in all its fency glory! Lookin’ good, good lookin’!
My Crappy House
She’s so happy in her fency fenced in yard! You should see her run, ears flapping in the wind…
Joan
YIKES! Yes, anything with blades requires the utmost care and attention! I never work without gloves — mainly because I don’t like blisters or accidentally touching something gross, like a spider, when I’m working. The yard transformation is amazing! Crazy what trimming up or down bushes and trees can do to really open it up, right? Love the fence! I need a new one, but I was quoted and insane amount (3-4K) to just repair a few sections!! So, that won’t be happening unless I win the lottery. Glad your finger healed up so well! How are the cats doing? How are they reacting to having a dog around?
My Crappy House
Oh, Joan. Never again will I forget to wear gloves! I didn’t mention it in the post because it was already so long, but in addition to my finger damage, I had a RAGING case of poison ivy that lasted over two weeks! It was BRUTAL. Both arms, all the way up. So many lessons learned on that day… I’m sorry to hear about your high fence quotes. Our fence cost way more than I was expecting. Winning the lottery would be so nice! (For you and me, both!) Zero has finally come around to the dog. He doesn’t like her, but he’s no longer terrified of her which is all I can really ask for. I felt so bad for him hiding in the basement. Now he’s joined the family on the couch for evening TV and he’ll swat at Mona if she messes with him. Egor has remained unphased by her and is still going about his important cat business.
Cindy
So excited to see your post! Sooo icked out by what happened to your finger. I’m glad you’re ok and that Mona has an awesome backyard now! Keep the posts coming – I love seeing them! Also I wear my T Shirt waaay to much in memory of your dad. But I always think about you when I do and hope you are doing well.
Bella
I looked! Good job! Ha!
My Crappy House
Haha you’re so brave!
Pheobe
It’s always the left phalange. Welcome back!
My Crappy House
I know, right? How’s our friend Regina?
Linda
I was very happy to see another post from you. I, like everyone else, wishes it were more often though, but I know life happens.
I’m so glad your injury is healed and wasn’t any worse.
Your puppy is adorable and I’m sure she loves running in her new yard space. The yard looks wonderful.
My Crappy House
Thank you. Count me among those who wish I posted more often. I always mean to. I’ve literally been working on this post for months. Mona is thrilled with her running space. She bounds around like a deer. It’s so cute.
Débora Meltz
Mona Lisa Vito is going to dig under tat fence, if she hasn’t already.
Fence looks great.
I enjoy you blogs immensely!
Good liuck with MLV.!
My Crappy House
She’s really not a digger, but we keep an eye on her. So far, so good. Maybe we have weird animals. Our cats never try to go outside either. I’m sure they could if they wanted to. They just don’t. Thanks for reading and enjoying immensely
Barbara H.
So grateful you linked the pictures so I didn’t have to look – even looking at the non-gory pictures was stressful (good imagination powers). The fence is beautiful and it nicely hides some of the neighbor scenery that wasn’t so beautiful. Always happy to see a post from you. As someone who has not posted to my Instagram account in ages, I feel your pain about the difficulty of “just doing it”. Aren’t the healing powers of the body amazing? Good job on that!!!
My Crappy House
It just didn’t feel right to include wound pictures without a warning. I figured some people would want to see, but I didn’t want to traumatize anyone. The week after my injury, I saw a hand specialist. She told me that the body is amazing at restoring things to the way they were. She wasn’t kidding! The only thing I’m left with is a slightly crooked nail. It’s not bumpy or anything – it just grows at a slight angle. Anyway, I always intend to post sooner, but then later happens and some more later happens and then it’s a year. Time is relentless.
Pamela Andrella
I feel your pain, sort of. Sadly, my story is even better.
I was using an electric miter saw and on my last piece of trim. I was truly bored watching the blade spin and spin before stopping so I, being super intelligent, put my hand behind it to grab the piece of trim. I don’t recommend. Afterwards my man informed me that there’s a safety on the front for a reason. Shoot, I don’t need no sissy safety! Well, turns out cutting your pinky 80% off really is painless….until after surgery. I think pre surgery my pinky was in shock, I couldn’t feel a thing until the brutal ER nurse injected lidocaine. At that point I wanted to punch him in the throat with my good hand. Following day, surgery to reattach tendons and nerves, then pinky physical therapy for months. (No lie) No, you don’t use mouse hand size barbells but they do sound cute, right?
The story gets better. Two days later I was at home alone, starving to death, so I decided to try to slice bread for a sandwich. Now mind you, my good hand is now wrapped up the size of a boxing glove and has no feeling due to a block. Perfect! Not really, I was using a diget destroying Cutco bread knife. No sh%t, I can prove these knives are VERY sharp, I should be a spokesperson. Anyway, back to the killer knife. Sadly for me I was wearing flip flops and said knife dropped out of my numb hand and in what seemed like slow motion, flipped over a few times and landed blade down into the tendon of my manicured big toe. What are the freakin odds? I couldn’t have done that if I tried. Oh and let’s not forget I take blood thinners…..it was like Halloween. Again, no pain!
Three surgeries later I can move my toe and wear flip flops again, no toe physical therapy needed. If interested, I have amazing colorful photos I’m happy to share.
Safety first!
My Crappy House
OK, so by “better” you mean “hold my beer horrifyingly worse”. OMG! I’m very glad your pinky is still with you and hopefully able to perform the necessary maneuvers to complete a pinky swear. I can’t even imagine! My injury was just the tip and I was *this* close to needing therapy. As far as pain, though, the needle was BY FAR the worst of it. My injury didn’t even really hurt either when it happened. Shock is a wonderful thing. We sat in the ER for HOURS waiting to get bandaged. So long that my husband had to leave to go let the dog out. Of course, fifteen minutes after he left, the doctor arrived to do his thing so I was alone for the worst part. The needle felt like an ice pick and I swear he wiggled it around in there just because he could. Thank God for it though. I felt nothing at all as he removed what was left of my nail and stitched me up. You’re “part 2” trumps me again. Three days later, poison ivy showed up on both arms, but I would take that any day over another near amputation. You are a person who goes all in. I respect that. I will pass on the photos, but thank you for the offer. I hope you’re all healed up and you’ve learned your lesson as well as I have. Stay safe out there!