Because I Care*

My bathroom was the first room that was completed in my crappy house. I lurve my bathroom. It’s so pretty! I really try my best to keep it that way.

One thing that helps is the kind of toothpaste I use. Yep, I’m writing a post about toothpaste. No, I haven’t run out of things to write about. This is very important, vital information I’m sharing with you. I’m serious.

If you use toothpaste in a tube, I would bet almost anything that it’s disgusting.

It’s laying there on your bathroom vanity right now, like a mangled carcass with dried minty blue goo around the cap. Or maybe the cap is gone now, in which case you have to squeeze fresh paste through a sticky plug that has probably captured wayward poo molecules. Forget it if you have kids. Not only is your toothpaste tube gross, but so is your bathroom. I can’t help you. But for everyone else, there is a better way…

Many years ago, the toothpaste people introduced something new:

Toothpaste in a bottle! How great is this? I immediately switched to this fantastic new alternative and never looked back. The toothpaste people offered tons of flavors and it seemed that this new packaging would replace the obsolete tube forever.

Not so…

Over the years, the selection of flavors of toothpaste in a bottle has been dwindling (Kiss Me Mint was the best flavor ever, btw, but it has since been discontinued. Bastards.) and more tubes have been introduced. WTF? This makes no sense to me.

Fearful that this packaging would be discontinued all together and I would have no choice but to use a crappy tube, I decided to take action. I decided to write to Colgate and explain to them how they should be marketing this fantastic product. Ever wonder what happens when you make an awesome suggestion to a multi-billion dollar company?


Dear Colgate marketing people,

I have been a user of your Colgate 2 in 1 Whitening Toothpaste for many years. My preferred flavor was “Kiss Me Mint”, which was awesome, but unfortunately discontinued years ago. Recently I have noticed how scarce this particular packaging has become in favor of traditional toothpaste tubes and I’m getting nervous you will discontinue it all together. I really feel you guys are missing the boat in marketing for this product. It has several advantages over toothpaste tubes that you could be informing consumers about. Here’s why I like it:

  1. It is much easier to store. I keep mine on a shelf in my medicine cabinet. It has such a small footprint that it’s easy to fit in. A tube gets squished and becomes misshapen and therefore does not lend itself to sitting on a shelf. It’s also long and skinny – its size is not suited for the medicine cabinet unless a whole shelf is dedicated to it. It keeps the top of my sink neater too, not having a gross tube of toothpaste sitting there.
  2. It’s much cleaner. Tubes of toothpaste inevitably get messy. Globs of paste around the opening, squished around the cap, then distributed along the tube itself. Yuck. The 2 in 1 is so much cleaner.
  3. Waste. Tubes are difficult to squeeze every bit out of. (And the mess gets worse in doing so.) This point is really crucial: you have the label on the 2 in 1 on upside down. I put my bottle cap-side down. This means I never have to shake the bottle and wait. Think of the other products that have taken advantage of gravity in this way. Ketchup and shampoo come to mind. I get every last bit of paste out of my bottle every time. While this particular product isn’t as thick as regular paste, I have been storing my bottle upside down for many years and it NEVER causes a mess.

So, in conclusion, I think toothpaste tubes are messy and difficult to store. Much paste is wasted because emptying a tube is difficult. And finally, turn the label around. If people knew how neat and easy this packaging was to use, it would be way more popular. Tubes are awful! Any logical person can see that.

Now, when you make these changes and product sales increase exponentially, I expect you’ll be bringing back my favorite flavor as a thank you.

That is all.



OK, well not nothing. They will write you to tell you they are sorry you are having trouble finding their product (I am not having trouble finding their product) and give you a list of nearby stores where you can buy it (I know where I can buy it). They’ll also give you coupons. Lots and lots of coupons.

Since Colgate obviously isn’t listening, I am now forced to inform the public myself. Good thing my blog has millions of readers, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to spread the word. And the word is this: Toothpaste tubes are stupid. If you continue to use them, knowing what you now know, well I guess you deserve that mess in your bathroom. Happy cleaning to you. But if you’re lazy like me and hate to clean, and also value logic as well as oral hygiene, you’ll switch to this kind:

And you’ll ignore the way the label faces and store it in your medicine cabinet like this so it will be ready to use at a moment’s notice:

And you will live a long, happy, prosperous life.

You may think this post seems self-serving, but I assure you… I am only concerned with the greater good. I’m concerned about you. If I have saved just one person from the minty blue goo disaster, I will consider this post a success. You’re welcome. And now that you know, you are also obligated to share. It’s your duty as a human being with teeth.

*I am in no way affiliated with the Colgate company. If I were, I’m sure they would have actually read my email suggestion and promptly taken action and also given me a huge bonus and corner office and free toothpaste for life.

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  • Aferal

    Good mornin’!
    Maybe you can start an on-line campaign in order to gather the so-odd thousand signatures it takes to meet Colgate’s requirments to actually listen & keep making a product? I have noticed many cases in the news of cases where companies do notdiscontinue a customer’s beloved product if they collect enough signatures. You can rewrite a cover letter in your kick-ass prose style ,& w/the signatures, I bet it’ll work! =^_^*=

    P.S Why have I never encountered KISS ME MINT? Shouldve caught@@ the eye of my(not so very) inner girly-girl. Sparkly &PINK! The name rocks too!

    • My Crappy House

      Hey, that’s a good idea! To be fair, I haven’t heard anything about discontinuation of this package. I’m just seeing how few flavors are left and that’s making me nervous. I guess I’m sort of trying to launch a preemptive strike – trying to increase its popularity to avoid its ending up on the chopping block at all. Kiss Me Mint was SO good! It was only slightly minty – very mild tasting. Oh, how I miss it! Amazon has it for $15 a bottle, but I just can’t pay that for toothpaste

  • Le

    I did not even know toothpaste comes in bottles! That IS a good idea. My toothpaste lay all mangled up on my counter like lifeless roadkill. I shall look into this…Thank you kind lady for your public service.

  • Louise

    Well you are affiliated! I worked as a Colgate-Palmolive employee for over 8 years and later worked there as a vendor. I am also a proud stock owner. Also several of my friends on facebook are still employed there and I “like” Colgate… I am going to put this on their page on Facebook. Let’s see what happens. I too love this bottle and am sad that they are slowly discontinuing it. When it launched they did do alot of advertising. I am not sure how it is doing in market but lets see if you get a response..

    • My Crappy House

      I hope they read it! They didn’t read my email. They gave me coupons and then sent a survey asking if my “issue” had been resolved. I said, “Um… no?” I gave them a bad review on how they handled my email and they were more concerned with that than the actual content of my email to begin with. Very frustrating. If they were marketing it correctly, the label would be on the other way. They’re doing it wrong…

  • Mom

    I too use this type of toothpaste and have been for many years. Alas your father still uses the messy tube (and leaves it on the sink in his bathroom). Now you know which parent is the smartest:).

    • Le

      Does he clean up after it though? If he does, then it is up to him what he prefers. If he does not, you can apply a tiny bit of fish sauce on the tip of each and every tube he uses and he will eventually be trained to never want to use tubed toothpaste EVAH AGAINNN!!!!!

      **note to self, time for personal grooming.

    • My Crappy House

      Yeah. They only have like 2 flavors too. I use the Colgate one, so I figured I’d pick on them. I should leave them because they took away my Kiss Me Mint

  • Lisa Hopkins

    Haha I always tell my husband the bottles are better! Mine sit out on the counter but look so much nicer than the ugly, misshapen tubes!

  • Brian Smingler

    Funny and timely but I think they make the tubes to make money because so much is wasted. Same goes for Fixodent would be great in a container that yo can get all of it out of.

    • My Crappy House

      I think you’re right. I also think tubes are probably cheaper to make. But I will pay more for the bottle. I probably already do. It’s so worth the convenience!

  • dbmojo

    I use Crest Complete – comes in a bottle, no muss no fuss.

    Your vanity is spotless – where do you keep your toothbrush?!

    • My Crappy House

      That’s right, they do make the bottle too! My mom told me that’s what she prefers. I might try that one. My toothbrush is in my medicine cabinet next to my toothpaste. Ready to go at a moments notice…

    • My Crappy House

      I actually heard about that last week. It sounds interesting, but I don’t think I would have the patience!

  • TaylorS

    First of all, your blog rocks my socks.
    Second of all, Amazon totally has like 2 of the “kiss me mint” bottles still available at $15/bottle. You might have talked me into buying one. ha

    • My Crappy House

      Ha thanks! And YES, I saw that Amazon had Kiss Me Mint, but I was too cheap to pay $15 bucks! I swear, if you do spring for one, you won’t be disappointed. Though you may find yourself in my disgruntled boat, wishing Colgate didn’t discontinue their best freaking flavor! You have to come back and tell me if you try it

  • Jannean

    I find that I have to buy toothpaste more often with it in the bottle but I don’t mind because it sure beats the disgusting mess the tube becomes. Like you I store mine in my medicine cabinet and that keeps my sink clear. I haven’t noticed that there are less flavors because I usually buy the one you have pictured above and so far it’s still available. BTW- I followed you over from your comments on Apartment Therapy. I figured anyone who would name their blog My Crappy House had to have a good sense of humor and I was right! Looking forward to catching up on all your posts.

    • My Crappy House

      You know, I’ve been using this kind for so many years, I don’t even know if it lasts longer for me or not. I can go probably 3 months on one bottle, but that’s just me using it twice a day. Here’s a tip – if you want some coupons for free bottles, write Colgate! They’ll send you a few… Thanks for reading!

  • Susie

    Sold! I think I will try the bottle next time around. Although I had solved the shelf issue by using a coffee mug to hold my toothpaste tube and tooth brush in the cabinet. Of course I have a tall cabinet so that works.

    • My Crappy House

      Yay! Let me know what you think! I’m so excited. An official (potential) convert! One at a time, baby…

  • Fireartisans

    Have you ever tried tooth powder? You can buy it at health food stores. Or you can make your own from an internets recipe. I don’t like the foamy feel or the too-sweet taste of tube toothpastes. But if you do, then powder isn’t for you.
    Love the bathroom chandelier.

    • My Crappy House

      I haven’t heard of tooth powder. I do like the foamy aspect of toothpaste, but I find the mintiness (is that a word?) to be strong for me. I would prefer something more mild tasting. That’s why Kiss Me Mint was the bomb!

  • Mia

    What color and brand paint did you use for your bathroom walls? Love it, always searching for that perfect shade of lavender (and I agree tubes of toothpaste are always gross lol).

    • My Crappy House

      Thank you! The color is so pretty in person. It’s Excalibur Gray by Benjamin Moore.

  • Hope Tracy

    My toothpaste tube is very tidy. And we are not tidy people. Seriously, you should have seen my foundation bottles before I found one with a little paddle attached to the cap. The toothpaste tube does have a screw cap though. Maybe that has something to do with it.
    Also, I love your blog.

    • My Crappy House

      Thanks! You sound like an anomaly. I know tidy people who can’t keep a toothpaste tube from being gross. This must be one of your special skills. We all have them. This one is extremely rare, so congratulations!

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