No Figs For You!

My fig tree is pissed! Here it is, mid June, and there’s not a leaf in site. You may recall me bragging about how tough my fig tree is. That post is here if you want to read it (and why wouldn’t you?), but I basically said that my tree needs no coddling from me to survive the harshness of a New York winter because she’s one tough bitch. Turns out, she’s a spiteful one too. She’s been flipping me the middle branch all spring.

As far as I can tell, she’s not dead. She’s sleeping in. I do that too, but there comes a point where you have to wake the F up. Do your job, tree! If I slept through work, I’d get fired! OK, no I wouldn’t because I’m the boss, but still. Make my figs, you lazy ass tree!

Fig tree with no leaves behind house with no siding

Actually, I don’t even care if she makes the figs. I’m not a fig fan. I just prefer how the tree looks when it’s leafing out, as opposed to this unsightly bundle of twigs.

In last year’s fig post I showed you how I used newspapers covered in mulch around the base of the tree to keep the weeds away. That sort of worked. Most of the weeds are outside my mulch circle. I need a bigger circle, apparently.

Fig tree with no leaves and some weeds around base

I seriously hate yard work. When I’m out working in my yard, I always fantasize about the day my crappy house is finished and I can afford to hire a landscaper. This one:


But until then, I’m on my own. And I suck at it. Last year you saw my blank slate of a backyard. Here’s a picture to refresh your memory:

Backyard graded and seeded

(See, that’s what my tree is supposed to look like…)

Anyway, when the baby grass started to sprout, I was so proud! But here it is now…

Camouflage lawn

Camo-lawn. This is what happens when you have no idea wtf you’re doing and you use three different kinds of grass seed and your crappy spreader contraption was free with seed purchase and you end up with dark green grass patches that grow wicked fast and light green patches that grow really slow.

OK, that picture is a joke. But this one isn’t…

Patchy baby lawn

Actually, it is a joke. Just not a particularly funny one.

I’ve Googled synthetic grass more than once, but it would cost like 40K to install. I could totally justify the expense, if I had any money. Which, of course, I don’t.

If I had any money, I’d hire this guy:


I just started using Instagram. I know. WTF took me so long? I have no answer for that, but if you follow me, I’ll show you when the figs turn up. If the figs turn up. Stupid tree.

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***Time Travel Links! Want to know what my crappy house looks like with siding? Check that out here. Oh, and if you’d like to know why my fig tree wasn’t leafing out, that’s here. (If you go there, I’m sorry. You’ll see why in a second.)

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  • Alison

    He is mega hot. Get a loan and hire him. Also, I literally laughed out loud with the camo-grass. I’m surprised someone doesn’t sell that on an infomercial.

  • Le

    LOL I love the camo grass! I wish I have that in my back yard.

    Plants like it when you talk to them…about nice things. Don’t be mean or curse at them…they know the difference. Maybe you should talk to the fig tree. As about her day and such.

    rowr…I mean, he’s alright. Not as cute as your brother.

    • My Crappy House

      I can help you get your very own camo-lawn. It’s much easier than a regular lawn. As for my brother being cuter than rowr… love really is blind!

  • Barbara H.

    Is your tree coming back at the bottom? I finally gave up and cut mine down close to the ground when it played dead too long and I realized it wasn’t playing! But I waited until I saw the new growth at the bottom. I’m in NE Alabama and we had some very cold weather this year – just too much cold for my tree, I guess.

    • My Crappy House

      I think those are fig leaves at the bottom. We had a super cold winter here and everyone is telling me that’s why the delay. The branches are all pliable – it’s definitely not dead. I’ll see what happens this year and if I get nothing, I’ll cut it back next year. In all seriousness, I’m very surprised it’s not even budding by now!

  • Lynn

    I know this is gonna hurt, and I admit that I’m pretty merciless when my plants don’t perform as they should (I mean really. They only have one job.), but cut the tree back now. It’s using too much energy trying to be the full tree that it was and a start over will help it. And it won’t look so sad while you are waiting for signs of life.

  • Denise

    I LOVE your posts! You always make me laugh which is my favorite activity. And when I’m not laughing at myself, it’s so much more fun! Please post more often, at least several times a day just for me. Yes, it’s all about me! And be sure to include your lawn guy in every single post. Thank you.

    • My Crappy House

      I was considering making him a regular feature, actually… The daily rowr?
      I really want to post more often. I will try to do better!

  • Lynn

    Well…you could ask at your local plant nursery. I’m probably too heartless. It’s amazing I’ve managed to raise a child! Good luck!

    • My Crappy House

      Haha it’s exactly that sort of thing that probably makes you a great parent! It’s your job to prepare them for the world. Sometimes, you gotta be tough.
      I will ask a pro what I should do. A friend of mine who also has fig trees swears it will come back. Actually, I just happened to look a minute ago and I think I see buds on the tips of the branches. Maybe she’s ready to leaf out!

    • My Crappy House

      Yes, this tree was an anomaly. It’s not dead, but it does need to be cut way back. It came with the house already very large and deeply rooted, so it’s been there for years. This past winter was especially harsh, apparently. I’ll see what I can do to bring it back.

  • Tammy

    I totally fell for the first camo yard picture. Paused on it and everything, got closer to the screen and thought, “How the hell did her lines get so perfect??” I really am smart…I swear!

    • My Crappy House

      Lol gotcha! Don’t worry. I can tell you’re smart. Proper punctuation gives you away.

  • Dey Kyper

    OMGosh I’m dying to know wtf happened with the fig tree!!?? I had to cut mine back (in PA) but I still got figs – not as many as usual, but mine is a mere mini-fig compared to yours.

    • My Crappy House

      I’ve sort of adopted a head-in-the-sand mentality for the time being. I had planned to go out in the fall and cut back the dead branches and assess the damage, but I never did. I’ll have to do it in the spring. I do know it’s NOT dead. I’ve got a lot of new branches coming out of the base, but I think I’m going to have less of a tree and more of a bush when all is said and done… I promise a follow up post with pictures in the spring!

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