My Painted House Part I
BOO! It’s me! Scary, right? I bet you didn’t expect to be scared the day after Halloween… I’m just full of surprises. (Like this post, coming out of, like, nowhere a mere quarter of a year since my last one…) So, Halloween was yesterday and that got me to thinking about scary stuff. Like how scary my front yard has looked for the last 8 years.
Not quite as bad as this…
But still pretty scary.
Let’s start by getting it out of the way. You know… that business where I apologize for how long it’s taken me to post and then I promise that I’ll do better and then you forgive me, knowing that I probably won’t do better, but you love me so much that you’re willing to stick with me no matter what? Yeah, you know. So…
I’m sorry. I’ll do better. Forgive me? Yeah, you do… Friends forever!
And now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way, let’s catch up, shall we? It’s been a while… (Because of course it has!)
When we last did the blog thing, I told you all about installing vinyl siding on my crappy house. (Read about it here if you missed it.) Schmoopy and I killed that project, but if you remember, I told you I left Schmoo to work alone while I moved to the front of the house to focus on a mysterious project by myself.
Installing Vinyl Siding
Siding effects include decreased house crappiness
My crappy house has been naked for seven years. That is a looong time to be naked. Truly a testament to the durability of Tyvek house wrap! (No clue wtf house wrap is? I linked it there for you. You’re welcome.) So, not naked actually. More like 7 years in underwear…
If you remember (It’s OK if you don’t. You have a life.), the whole back and sides of my house had to be replaced when I bought it because water had found its way in. If you’re interested (totally get it if you’re not), those posts are here and here, but here’s a reminder…
I Know My Limits
Sometimes a job is just too big. Even for me. As much as I like to be the one who does all the work so I can brag about it and then you guys can tell me how amazing I am, sometimes I have to just get the hell out of the way and let a pro take over. This job was over my head. Literally.
My Fig Tree Died
“Hey. Fig tree. How you doin’?”
“Um… not so good, actually…”
By the Yard
Who does a little bit of yard work on their crappy house and then expects strangers on the internet to care about it? Well, obviously, I do because here I am!
No Figs For You!
My fig tree is pissed! Here it is, mid June, and there’s not a leaf in site. You may recall me bragging about how tough my fig tree is. That post is here if you want to read it (and why wouldn’t you?), but I basically said that my tree needs no coddling from me to survive the harshness of a New York winter because she’s one tough bitch. Turns out, she’s a spiteful one too. She’s been flipping me the middle branch all spring.
As far as I can tell, she’s not dead. She’s sleeping in. I do that too, but there comes a point where you have to wake the F up. Do your job, tree! If I slept through work, I’d get fired! OK, no I wouldn’t because I’m the boss, but still. Make my figs, you lazy ass tree!
How to Get Landscaping Done For Free
Take My Trees. Please.
Did you know you can get landscaping done for free? Yup. There’s free labor out there. People can’t wait to come over and dig up your yard. As long as there’s something worth digging up. And as long as you let them take that something home with them…
A Fig Tree in New York
What The Fig?
I have a big ass fig tree in my yard. I don’t know much about fig trees (I don’t even like figs), but people who do know about fig trees have seen mine and have told me it’s the biggest figging one they’ve seen in New York. They want to know my secret. How did my tree get so big and healthy in this climate? How does it produce so many figs? Here’s what I do…
I’ve heard that little old Italian men grow fig trees in the northeast and they’re small and fragile (the trees are – and maybe the little old men too) and they lovingly wrap them to protect them from the wind and cold of winter and then hope that they survive and then actually bear fruit in the spring.
My tree gets no blanket. No warm milk. No bedtime story. My tree is on its own. My tree is a bad ass. It scoffs at winter. It looks the cold square in the eye and gives it the middle branch. It thrives amidst adversity. In the winter, it looks like this:
My Crappy Yard: I Planted a Lawn
Welcome to the Jungle
Not only is my house crappy, but my yard is extra crappy with a side of crap. Supersized. This past weekend, I planted a lawn. (Well, it remains to be seen if it will be an actual lawn, but I put down seed and I’m crossing my fingers.) I bought the lazy girl seed that’s specially coated to keep in extra moisture in case I forget (I will) to water.
While the baby lawn struggles to grow, I thought now would be a good time to catch you up on the story of my backyard from the beginning.