Every Single Post
Here you will find every post I've written in order from first to last. See just how crappy my house used to be...
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No Figs For You!
My fig tree is pissed! Here it is, mid June, and there’s not a leaf in site. You may recall me bragging about how tough my fig tree is. That post is here if you want to read it (and why wouldn’t you?), but I basically said that my tree needs no coddling from me to survive the harshness of a New York winter because she’s one tough bitch. Turns out, she’s a spiteful one too. She’s been flipping me the middle branch all spring.
As far as I can tell, she’s not dead. She’s sleeping in. I do that too, but there comes a point where you have to wake the F up. Do your job, tree! If I slept through work, I’d get fired! OK, no I wouldn’t because I’m the boss, but still. Make my figs, you lazy ass tree!
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Gettin’ Jiggy Wit it.
I needed bookcases. So, in my best booming voice, I said, “LET THERE BE BOOKCASES!” And there were no bookcases. And then I remembered I do not possess the power of God so I’d have to get off my ass and build them. Hey, it was worth a shot. Sometimes I try to will the TV remote into my hand with my Jedi powers. That doesn’t work either.
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A Pointless Poll
If I tell you your opinion doesn’t matter to me at all, would you still want to give it to me anyway? Great! It doesn’t! Let’s take a pointless poll…
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My House is Not a Victorian.
Well, duh! My house is a crappy ranch. I just want you to be aware that I’m aware that I don’t live here.
Oh, if only.
I could decorate the crap out of that house. I lurve Victorian inspired décor. Curvy legged furniture and tufted velvet… Damask wallpaper and chandeliers… Intricate moulding and millwork… None of which really makes sense in my crappy ranch.
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It’s a Gray Area
There’s nothing extraordinary about this post. All I did was paint. It’s not that hard. You can do it. You probably have done it. Big freaking deal. But my living room is finally looking like an actual room in a real house and not a pit of despair, so I think that’s definitely worth writing about. In order to maximize the drama, I’m going to start by showing you this before photo.
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By the Yard
Who does a little bit of yard work on their crappy house and then expects strangers on the internet to care about it? Well, obviously, I do because here I am!
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Crappy Shelves
I apologize in advance for this post. I know you’ve waited patiently for a whole month for me to write something new and I’m telling you now, this post won’t feel like it was worth the wait. At all. This is the crappiest project I have done so far. I totally forgive you if you want to just skip it.
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A Modern Fairytale
Once Upon a Curtain
A long time ago, in a crappy house far, far away, there lived a pale princess named… um… Spackle. Yeah, OK. Princess Spackle. She had to rescue herself from… well, from herself because she’s a dumbass who tore her whole house apart without knowing how to put it all back together again. Princess Spackle may have been naïve, but she learned many skills and eventually became a DIY Ninja.
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How to Make a DIY Shower Curtain
A Tutorial. Sort of.
You know I’m not big on tutorials. I normally couldn’t care less about teaching you anything (it’s all about me…) but, because it’s the season of giving, I’ve decided to give you the gift of the DIY shower curtain! Yeah, I did say DIY. You have to make it yourself. Some gift, right? Sorry. No refunds or exchanges…
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These are a Few of My Favorite Things…
It’s been a whole year since my 1st Annual Favorite Things Post! Can you even freaking believe how time flies? Can you even freaking believe I remembered to write a 2nd Annual Favorite Things Post?? I know. Me either. Yet, here it is…
